Crazy or sane?

I think I am sane now. But how can I be sure?

I remember back in 2011 when I thought I was sane. I was deep into my addiction then. Mixing opiates with alcohol during the day and attempting to sleep at night with mega doses of sedatives had completely distorted my mental state. I was a mess. But I thought myself as rational and sane.

I was in a car accident during this time. Luckily it wasn’t my fault. But this event rapidly accelerated my inevitable decline. I had a broken bone and was in legitimate pain. But the regular doses of the prescribed pain killers didn’t even tickle the pain. So I resorted to amplifying my usual does by manipulating my neighbor to getting me extra pills. I was in too much pain to leave the house.

She was a nurse but didn’t about my addiction. No one did. She must have been horrified when she picked up my pills written in her name, she must have been horrified with the dosage and the quantity of the pills. She gave me only half of the pills and said she was going to hold on to the rest and give it later. I thought she was crazy. So I used the keys I had to her house to go searching for the pills while they were out.

What was I thinking? I don’t know. I wasn’t thinking at all. All I cared about was to address my pain and get my pills. I didn’t care about the law, about my health, or about my child. I was insane. I didn’t find the pills but luckily she didn’t catch me breaking into her house.

Thinking back Warning signs were everywhere. I was covered in bruises and had lost a lot of weight. But unfortunately there was no one to really notice. I was the only one and I was too crazy and impaired to do anything about it. With my husband gone on a business trip and my parents and sister away and friends who didn’t know or care enough to notice, I was left to my own vice. It is a miracle that I survived this period. I could have died then. Perhaps universe took pity on my 2.5 year old little girl who was left in my care. Universe worked its magic and we are both alive and well. I am truly grateful.

I am not using now. I am not in “active” addiction. I am still an addict based on the definition since addiction is a brain disorder and doesn’t go away even when one stops the addictive behavior. That is OK. I am in acceptance of that fact. But I wonder if I am sane in the decisions I make or don’t make now. I am left second guessing myself all the time. In fact this indecision leaves me in a constant state of fear. Damned if I choose and damned if I don’t. Back in the using days, it took no effort to “choose” the drugs. Now it takes so much effort to choose regular things like what dentist to go to, what food to buy, what dress to put on my girl or where to take my car for repairs. The list goes on.

This can’t be normal, but here I am. I must admit this current state is far better than the decisive boldness of addiction. But I hope to find my way to the middle again, where I can still take risks, reasonable ones, and make choices, even if they turn out to be wrong. Until then, I am sober one day at a time.